Kirk Lazarus: What about you, Masterblaster? [after Sandusky explain what “The Wet Offensive” plan is] If the machine breaks down, we break down. Kirk Lazarus: For 400 years, that word has kept us down. Lady lost her kid. [after the bridge explosion we see Speedman through the smoke with his arms out, Christ like then falling face down in the mud] [Speedman hold up the twig man] [to Speedman]

Four Leaf Tayback: He killed Damien! Kirk Lazarus: How do you know that? [holds the Tivo up and starts running towards the helicopter] Alpa Chino: Cool it, Benson!

Please don’t fire me. We could do something by getting our asses back to the hotel, which is in the other direction! You’re a fucking garbage man! That ain’t the plan! You OD’d! Kirk Lazarus: To the man’s credit, he’s actually eased up on the retard throttle.

Did you make this whole goddamn thing up? Four Leaf Tayback: Sanitation Department. 100 million, oh, wait! Alpa Chino: As for why I'm in this movie, maybe I just knew I had to represent. Kirk Lazarus: Is your character dyslexic? Kirk Lazarus: Ain’t nobody doing nothing to no one or body! Tugg Speedman: Home? [to the guard that’s just bursts in] There he is. Flaming Dragon Bodyguard: We not get money yet. Tran: Now do movie. Tugg Speedman: Or are you a dude who has no idea what dude he is and claims to know what dude he is… I didn’t tell you, but Fatties: Fart Three is coming down the pike, and there’s a role in there for you if you come over and untie me. Who are you? Damien Cockburn: No, no, no, we’re crying! Playa! [after another failed attempt at trying to cry for the scene] And the men respect you, because you went to boot camp and rehearsal.

You perform or die! Rick Peck: Tuggernuts! Just a moment while we sign you in to your Goodreads account. Les Grossman: Okay. Togeth… Alright, now, dude, you got to get it. I am talking scorched earth, motherfucker! I’m finally better. Les Grossman: Look, fuckstick, I’m incredibly busy, so why don’t you get the hell out of here before I snap your dick off and jam it into your ass? Alpa Chino: No, I said “Nance.” That’s what I said, “Nance.” Kirk Lazarus: Alright, that’s enough of this insubordination! Literally, a tree. He needs me. Please don’t fire me.

Rob Slolom: Yep. Kirk Lazarus: Here’s my motherfucking farm! Tugg Speedman: Rick? Chicka-chickaw, baby! Listen, okay?

Jeff Portnoy: What are you talking about?

Jeff Portnoy: What, are you insane? Rob Slolom: We’re having a… Fuck, okay. Kirk Lazarus: Any tips, you got? Alpa Chino: What? First, take a big step back and literally fuck your own face!

Excuse me, Kangaroo Jack. Alpa Chino: Yeah, but those dudes was trained soldiers. Ha-ha-ha! Eventually, and I’m talking way, way down the road, we file an insurance claim. Because that’s exactly what I’m going to be bringing back and serving up in this whirly bird. Alpa Chino: Come on. I’m not joking around, I’m nauseous. What? Les Grossman: No, not you Helen.

Kevin Sandusky: Jeff, stay away from that animal. Jeff Portnoy: Oh, God! [he takes out a can of Booty Sweat and sticks the tip of his Bowie knife into it, making it shoot out everywhere] ", FADE by Kailin Gow”. Kirk Lazarus: Hats off for going there, especially knowing how the Academy is about that shit. Kirk Lazarus: Does he want to come with us? They say that the movie’s just about farts. Little Half Squat. Jeff Portnoy: Yeah, now you’re dead! Ye-aah! Get down! [gives Speedman false teeth just taken out of an old man’s mouth]

[he embraces Lazarus] You wanted to occupy the skin of another human being. Alpa Chino: I don’t want no Fatties franchise, I got a diamond toilet. Corn syrup and latex. Rick Peck: No… Kirk Lazarus: I am a little confused. Dude, were you even in the fucking service? Kevin Sandusky: It sounded like “Lance.” Alpa Chino: Hell, yeah! [Tran hits him in the stomach with back of his rifle] Tran: [shouting] Do you want to die? I’m trying to talk at you, man.

You’re going to have to call the fucking United Nations and get a fucking binding resolution to keep me from fucking destroying you. Yes. What does that mean, exactly?

Tran: We love the tale of this man, Simple Jack. Jacket’s on, I’m out the door! It’s exactly the same as in the script.

[the key grip raises his hand] [Brooklyn gets bayoneted through the stomach by a Vietnamese soldier falling down with his guts all hanging out] I am talking scorched earth, motherf*cker!

[rips off his wig to reveal his blond hair] Hold up, man, keep it on the down-low. Rick Peck: Alright, man. Jeff Portnoy: Anyway, me and the campers from the uncool camp had to break into the rich girl camp. They’d be begging for a body bag if it means a ride home. [putting the injured Four Leaf over his shoulder] [looks at a picture of him with his kid] Kirk Lazarus as Osiris: Look at you, man. Les Grossman: Yes, and lots of money, playaaaa! Kirk Lazarus: Cool. Alpa Chino: Shit. Tugg Speedman: All right. Rick Peck: Say it for me one time. Oh yeah! Tugg Speedman: Yeah, it was an intense experience, you know. Les Grossman: Go have fun. Otherwise I'm gonna have to head down there and I will rain down an ungodly f*cking firestorm upon you! Rick Peck: I mean we got to shave your head and get you back on the monkey bars, right?

The objective: rescue Sgt. [turns to his assistant] Alpa Chino as Motown: Hey, yo, Fats! I feel like all the good ones are gone. Tugg Speedman: It’s a diet. Now, Tugg who? They ran away. We could do something by getting our asses back to the hotel, which is in the other direction!

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